Feeling Lost

For the first time since I started this blog in November, a week has gone by without a post appearing. This past week has been a struggle for me: I’ve felt extremely low, often anxious and quite lost. Normally, creativity in the form of writing helps to drag me back out of these periods, but this time has been a little different. I felt like I lost all motivation and inspiration, and that it would be hopelessly pointless to put words down on paper, or rather, a screen, and share them with the world.

This process of retreating away from the sometimes overwhelming world of social media  gave me necessary isolation and a break from the speed at which things fly up our news feeds online. It also led me to a desire to create something for myself without the pressure of putting it out there for everyone to see. And so I returned to a neglected love of mine, filmmaking, and created a short spoken word poetry video about this lost feeling I was experiencing.

It really helped me being able to make something away from the internet, which is why I’ve debated with myself over the last few days whether to share the video or not – in the end I thought it might help someone else out who is feeling this way so I’ve decided to upload it. I know it’s not my usual format but I hope some of you enjoy it anyway.

The script from the video:

“Today I feel lost. It’s the kind of day where I have no energy at all; that no amount of fuel can fix, because I’ve fused. It’s the kind of day where I can’t even bring myself to wash my face or brush my teeth, or do my hair. It’s like I’ve lost the reason why people do those things. And when you lose both energy and meaning, it can be hard to see a way forward. It can sometimes be too hard and that’s when you can lose yourself.

On days like this, I feel trapped in my body, and uncomfortable in my skin. I just want to curl up and be surrounded by nothingness. I feel as insignificant and worthless as the cobwebs I can’t bring myself to clean from the window sill.

I try to get outside when I’m like this. To bump against the bubbles of other people’s lives. To see the tracks that others have made. To breathe spring air. To hear laughter and birdsong. Sometimes reminders of happiness help. Sometimes not.

Sometimes I look up at the branches, crisscrossing the sky like the veins keeping the planet alive. I try to be grateful for what keeps me alive. I wonder, am I art or vandalism? Or just another thing that exists in the city?

Sometimes I run to try and get physical discomfort to push mental discomfort out. But sometimes it’s more helpful to stop for a moment and refocus on something small and particular.

The thing I try to hold onto, no matter how awful I feel, is that being lost and overwhelmed does not mean I’m trash, worthless, useless…

It means I’m human; and sometimes humans struggle.”

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If you watched the video, I hope you liked it! It is certainly not perfect, and the whole thing – from my initial idea to pick up the camera to a finished edited product – was completed in just a couple of hours. Letting myself create without pressure meant I could also create without perfectionism; this was a very freeing feeling. I might experiment making videos more in the future, so make sure to subscribe if this is something you’d be interested to see ❤

In terms of my regular blog content, I hope to be back up and running soon!

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